Jokes on Husband Wife | Wife Jokes on Husband

To have a successful marriage, a lot of work is required. And having fun is one of the most crucial aspects of marriage. You may spice up your marriage with some humour and enjoyment by using the husband and wife jokes in this page. Continue reading if both the husband and wife are okay with jokes being made about them. We discovered for jokes of the day, Husband wife jokes in english for whatsapp, Jokes on wife in English and so on.

No one’s sentiments or emotions are intended to be wounded by these jokes, and neither the husband nor the wife are intended to be denigrated. Additionally, we oppose gender stereotyping. Instead, these jokes are clever and funny and help married couples feel better about difficult circumstances. Read on for some funny things we’ve put together in an effort to make your marriage more joyful. In this article we covered some fascinating jokes on wife and husband as jokes on husband wife, wife jokes on husband, jokes for husband wife, jokes of husband wife and jokes on wife husband.

Jokes on Husband Wife

• Nothing says I love you like divorce papers.
• Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
  Then, at that point, I realized that He’s been searching for an expiry date.
• I am the boss of the house. My wife is just a decision-maker. 
• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.
• Wife regrets staying with the man she killed. 
• Here’s to our wives and girlfriends; may they never meet. 
• When are feminists bad? A: After one marries your sister!
• I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
• It’s a sin to love another’s wife and a punishment to love yours.
• I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland, and he invades me.
• The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
• What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
• Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.
• May you never leave your marriage alive.
• It’s uncomfortable when the neighbor’s kids look like you.
• What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
• A wife can enjoy anything until it’s not my salary.
• Middle age 
• My Wife renewed me for another season.
• The most dangerous food is the wedding cake.
• I was married to a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.
• Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended.
• It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to, and he couldn’t.
• Hovering between wife and death. 
• Of all the home remedies, a good wife is the best.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
• My wife let me remove all her clothes last night. From the dryer. 
• I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.
• I was so cold the other day; I almost got married.
• Married life in a nutshell:  Anything you say or do may be used against you!
• Make love, not war, and If you want both, get married.
• I know no one who is happily married except my husband.
• Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
• Make love, not war, and If you want both, get married.
• I bought my hubby a “get better soon” card. He is not sick; I think he can be better.
• All men are idiots, and I married their king.
• Husband: I need space!
• When a marriage goes out the door, love comes in innuendo!
• My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
• Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. 
• My wife and I share a sense of humor. We have to. She doesn’t have one.

Wife Jokes on Husband

• Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
• Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!
• What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
• My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
• Wife renewed me for another season.
• Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
• The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.
• Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
• Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
• I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
• At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
• Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
• A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
• My husband cooks for me like I’m a god – by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
• My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
• When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie. She meant goals.
• My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
• Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
• When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
• Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?
• Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”
• Do you know why the king of hearts married the Queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
• Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
• What do wives and hurricanes have in common? On arrival, they’re wet and wild. When they leave, they take the house and car with them.
• How is a wife like bacon? They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.
• What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”? A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished.
• I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
  She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
• What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
  They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.
• Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
• What do a wife and a grenade have in common? They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.
• Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!
  Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.
• What’s the difference between a bride-to-be and groom-to-be? A bride-to-be wants a shower. A groom-to-be wants to get as dirty as possible before his Big Day.
• Why didn’t the man speak to his wife for years on end? She told him never to interrupt.
• What’s the secret to a happy marriage? Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.
• Wife: “I love you.” Husband: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
• A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”
• I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.
• The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
• My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we argued serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
• An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
• It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to, and he couldn’t.
• How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”
• Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
  A: Santa stops after three hos.
• A man inserted an ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
• How do most men define a wedding? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
• What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
• Wife: Why are you home so early? Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

Jokes For Husband Wife

• A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
• Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”
  Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”
• Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
• I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
• A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
• Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
• A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
• One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.
• A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
  “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.
• If a wife is laughing at her husband’s jokes, it means they have guests.
• A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?” The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.” The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?” The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
• My wife’s an Earth sign. I’m a Water sign. Together we make mud!
• A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!” The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait, I’m your husband!” She replies giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”
• In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
• The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
• A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. “Mother of six,” he would say, “what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!” She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, “Mother of six, I think it’s time to go!” The wife immediately shouts back, “I’ll be right with you, father of four!”
• A man goes to see a wizard and says, “Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?” “Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can you remember the exact words of the curse?” The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”
• If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
• My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
• About 30 pounds.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
• Marriage is a three-ring circus. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
• My wife is a light eater … as soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
• Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended.
• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
• I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.
• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
• A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
• What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
• Did you hear about the two bed bugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring.
• Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
• Today’s wedding is a love match, pure as simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
• Why did the moth stick to the bride’s face? Because she was glowing.
• Did you hear about the newlyweds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
• The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned!
• Only after getting married you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.

Jokes of Husband Wife

• My boyfriend asked to play doctor. I kept him waiting outside the bedroom door for an hour.
• Losing a significant other can be hard. In some cases, it’s impossible.
• Kid: “I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until they get married.” Dad: “That’s true everywhere, son.”
• My son asked me what it was like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did; I asked him why he was ignoring me.
• Have you seen the new divorced Barbie? She comes with all of Ken’s stuff.
• A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
• Last night my girlfriend told me that I had the body of a god. I was afraid to ask which one, but I’m pretty sure that god was Buddha.
• I had a one night stand last year that went horribly wrong. We’re married now.
• I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week. When it was over, he said, “We got along really well there for a while!”
• I got my partner a get better soon card. They’re not sick or anything, but they could definitely get better.
• I never knew true happiness until I got married. Then, it was too late.
• One easy way to lose a fight with your wife: Argue.
• Getting married is a lot like going out to eat with friends. You order what you want but, when you see what someone else has, you want that instead.
• I told my girlfriend that she was drawing her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
• Had a nice long chat with my husband today after our WI-FI went down. He seems like a nice guy.
• A man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.
• My girlfriend told me I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that when I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
• We were at a wedding recently and my husband tried his hand at being romantic. As the music swelled, he leaned over and whispered, “You’re more beautiful than half the women here.”
• My wife is definitely a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
• A lonely man placed an ad in the paper. “Wanted: A wife.” Within a week, he’d received hundreds of replies. They were all the same: “You can have mine.”
• A man, shocked by his friend’s appearance, asked, “How long have you been wearing a bra?” His friend answered, “Ever since my wife found it in my car.”
• I’ve been married for 25 years now and it takes a lot of dedication to have sex with the same person all that time. I don’t know how my husband manages to do it.
• What do wives and bacon have in common? A lot, actually. They both look, smell, and taste great. Plus, they’re both slowly killing you.
• Wife: “Do you want dinner?” Husband: “I don’t know. What are my choices?” Wife: “Yes or no.”
• Marriage is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill. But not doing it because you’d miss them.
• I know of no one who is happily married. Except my husband.
• Marriage: Bet someone half of your earthly possessions that you’ll love them forever.
• I bought my ex-girlfriend a mood ring for her birthday. When she’s happy, it turns blue. When she’s angry, it leaves a big red circle on my face.
• My girlfriend asked me if I ever wanted to get married. Apparently, “When I meet the right girl,” was the wrong answer.
• My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other. So, now it’s just a waiting game.
• In any argument, always let your wife have the last word. Anything after that is just the beginning of another fight.
• I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
• What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
• They say when you get married, you actually get three rings. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
• The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
• What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
• The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
• The shortest sentence, “I am.” The longest sentence, “I do.”
• Every morning I like to remind my wife who’s in charge by holding a mirror up to her face.
• “I love you,” she said. “Is that you talking,” I asked, “Or the wine?” “It’s me talking to the wine,” she said.
• What do a tornado and marriage have in common? In the beginning, there’s a lot of blowing and sucking. In the end, someone is left without a house.
• Women fake orgasms. Men fake whole relationships.
• My girlfriend is really starting to annoy me lately. I took her out to dinner last night, and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. The double Whopper with cheese.
• I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married. For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married.
• Our marriage counselor suggested we try some role reversal in bed. Tonight when my wife came in, I told her I had a headache.
• My husband and I had a blissful first 25 years. And then we met and got married.
• If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.
• Girlfriend: “Last night I had a dream that you went to the jewelry store and bought me a gorgeous diamond ring.” Boyfriend: “Funny, I had the same dream but, in mine, your dad was paying for it.”
• I tried to remarry my ex. She figured out I was only after my money.
• I asked my girlfriend which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.”

Jokes on Wife Husband

• What kind of ship has two mates but no captain? A relationship.
• How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? None because they never get the house.
• If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, that would explain why the mother of the bride is always crying.
• My boyfriend left me for being too old fashioned. It’s a shame. I thought we had great alchemy.
• What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game? They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without cheating, everyone is shocked.
• My girlfriend says I don’t respect her privacy. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
• Once you’re married, people stop asking about your sex life. They know you don’t have one.
• What do you say to your bae during sex? Nothing. I don’t call my bae when I’m having sex.
• Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet. Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”
• I’m always running late. It takes forever to find all the things sitting in plain sight of my husband.
• I thought I won the argument with my partner about how to arrange the furniture. When I got home, the tables had turned.
• I recently ended a long-term relationship. It’s OK, though. It wasn’t mine.
• My husband told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing. I told him I wasn’t yawning. I thought it was my turn to speak.
• People always ask me why I’m single. I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
• I just had a massive blowout with my husband about vacation. I wanted to go to Paris, and he wanted to go with me.
• They say when you meet the right person, you know immediately. When you meet the wrong person, it takes about a year and a half to figure it out.
• When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word. They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
• My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess for her birthday. I invited seven little people over so she could make us dinner, and now she’s mad.
• My husband and I have decided we don’t want kids. If you do, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.
• How do you keep your husband from reading your emails? Label the folder, “Instruction Manuals.”
• Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.
• Women look at a wedding as the beginning of a romance, but men see a wedding as the end of romance.
• My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess we were just raised differently.
• What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About 45 minutes.
• I wanted a partner who was strong, smart, kind, and good-looking. If they’d been just one of those things, it would have been nice.
• What do a wife and a grenade have in common? They both leave you hurt and homeless when you pull off the ring.
• I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing. It’s laundry day.
• There are two times men don’t understand women. Before and after marriage.
• I love a man with confidence. Without that, what’s left to destroy?
• Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
• If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults.
• I saw a man jogging naked through my neighborhood the other afternoon. I stopped to ask him what he was doing. He said it was my fault for coming home so early.
• What do you do when your best friend runs off with your husband? Pity her.
• It’s been 20 years and my wife apologized for the first time ever. She said she’s sorry she ever married me. Still. Progress.
• Wife: “Let’s go out and have fun tonight!” Husband: “OK, but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.”
• My boyfriend used to tell me I was one in a million. After going through his text messages, I found out that he was right.
• How can you tell if a woman is divorced? She’s bungee jumping for joy.
• My husband said he needed more space. I locked him outside.
• Want to convert your sofa into a sofa bed? Just forget your anniversary.
• I can’t believe how much my girlfriend is crying over her new haircut. I mean, it’s much worse for me. Now I have to find a new girlfriend.
• My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other. So far, we’ve been up for three days.
• I play the world’s most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
• When a married man says, “I’ll think about it,” it’s safe to assume he just needs to get his wife’s permission.
• Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.
• My boyfriend and I met on the internet and my mother asked him what line he used to get me. He said, “I just used a modem.”
• My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
• My wife gives me sound advice: 99% sound and 1% advice.
• My spouse’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
• I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She embraced me.
• One easy step to losing an argument with a wife is — Arguing.
• Terrorism strikes no fear in my heart. I have been married for years.
• Arguing with your husband is fun. Even if he wins, he loses.
• Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!
• Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for.
• My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.
• Nothing says “home” like the arms of my husband.
• Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• If love is “grand,” what is divorce?
• A hundred grand or more.
• I felt incomplete until I married you. Now I’m finished.
• She asked me what was on Television. I replied, “Dust.”
• Husband: I have cheated once

Although marriage is a serious endeavour, adding some humour will make the journey special and enjoyable. In order to make an impression on your loved ones, choose the greatest sayings from our selection of marriage jokes for the wedding ceremony. Additionally, you can include a few one-liners on your anniversary card to keep your marriage—your greatest adventure—fun and lighthearted. Marriage is a serious institution in and of itself. To keep it up, two people must work very hard. But making the ride funny will make it enjoyable and memorable. Pick a few from this list if you were seeking for marriage jokes for a wedding party to have fun with the happy couple and other guests. You may still tell your spouse and married friends these humorous jokes even if there isn’t a holiday coming up. After all, laughter is intended to be shared!

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FAQ about Jokes on Husband Wife

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